jean kirschstein. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jeankirschstein) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
destinytown2013-08-29 08:47 pm
jeankirschstein) wrote in destinytown2013-08-29 08:47 pm
Entry tags:
[ snapshots from the 104th ]; jean, armin (spam/log)
[ achoo!
jean can't sleep. this is normal; with tensions running so high this close to graduation day, it's a wonder that any given member of the 104th can manage a good night's rest. even the top cadets—they know who they are—must be feeling it, teetering on the edge. no one is safe. no one is immune.
some surely feel the pressure more than others. jean would like to think he's one of them, given that he's put everything at stake to not only make it out of training alive, but into the military police in the process. into the inner wall...where he can finally relax for a change, take it easy.
that won't be happening tonight. he knew that long before his sneezing stirred the other restless bodies surrounding him, snot trickling from his nose while they mutter in complaint. screw 'em. if he has to suffer out here in the cold, why shouldn't they?
for that matter, what's up with having to be out here in the first place? it'd be one thing if jean's eyes were set on joining the hijinks of the reconnaissance legion in the near future, but that hardly applies to him, let alone the majority of his fellow trainees. most, he figures, probably have their sights set on the garrison. maybe there are a scant few who share his ambitions, though whether or not they're actually up to the job remains to be seen. jean knows he is. he has to be, or it all ends here.
and what a way to end it! trampling about through the frigid, winter air, huddling like mice around an abandoned outpost—who's to say that an eoten or twelve won't stumble upon them in the dead of night, anyway? what good is a little campout a few miles from the wall going to teach anyone about survival, or the rages of war? they'd be better off just tearing the roof off the barracks and leaving it at that, honestly. at least jean would be in better company.
he doesn't know anyone around here. some of his friends were pulled off into tightly-knit (and largely unnecessary, in jean's eyes) patrols hours ago, or dragged to stand watch while the rest of the group settled down for the evening. it'd be nice if jean had been hand-picked for any of those, but of course, he's left both overlooked and to his own devices. is he not good enough, try as he might? he may be no ackerman—beautiful, beautiful ackerman—but that shouldn't mean he'll never get his own chance to shine. ]
To hell with this— [ jean's up in a flourish, much to the complaint of everyone else still struggling to get warm, far from the fires that dot along the outpost. if he can't silently sulk down the long, long road to slumber, then he may as well be up and at it, roaming the campsite like he would be if he were on more familiar ground, with familiar faces at his side to play hooky with him rather than be driven insane by a cacophony of snores in the dark. the girls' dorm doesn't have it that bad, do they?
there are others like him who think they have better things to do in their downtime than catch forty winks. many can be found merely talking amongst themselves, while others nervously peer at their surroundings, not wholly convinced they're going to be safe from an eoten attack. jean isn't, either, but he has faith in the regulars who are keeping peace around here. as long as they and the patrollers are doing their duty, then there's little to fear. it's when daylight shines upon them that they should be at their most afraid, according to what their everyday lessons have taught them.
not in much of a mood to be simply chewing the fat, jean has a grander scheme in mind as he continues his walk. he's half-hoping he'll be able to catch the eye of someone he recognizes among the guard, maybe play a round of cards or two, steal a drink to warm his bones that no one will notice, not this late in the day. it'd be far more effective than the scrap that's supposed to pass for a cloak clinging to him, hand-me-downs from the cadets who survived before him, and before that. can't even afford to give their ready-to-die young soldiers equipment well and truly up to date, can they...? ]
jean can't sleep. this is normal; with tensions running so high this close to graduation day, it's a wonder that any given member of the 104th can manage a good night's rest. even the top cadets—they know who they are—must be feeling it, teetering on the edge. no one is safe. no one is immune.
some surely feel the pressure more than others. jean would like to think he's one of them, given that he's put everything at stake to not only make it out of training alive, but into the military police in the process. into the inner wall...where he can finally relax for a change, take it easy.
that won't be happening tonight. he knew that long before his sneezing stirred the other restless bodies surrounding him, snot trickling from his nose while they mutter in complaint. screw 'em. if he has to suffer out here in the cold, why shouldn't they?
for that matter, what's up with having to be out here in the first place? it'd be one thing if jean's eyes were set on joining the hijinks of the reconnaissance legion in the near future, but that hardly applies to him, let alone the majority of his fellow trainees. most, he figures, probably have their sights set on the garrison. maybe there are a scant few who share his ambitions, though whether or not they're actually up to the job remains to be seen. jean knows he is. he has to be, or it all ends here.
and what a way to end it! trampling about through the frigid, winter air, huddling like mice around an abandoned outpost—who's to say that an eoten or twelve won't stumble upon them in the dead of night, anyway? what good is a little campout a few miles from the wall going to teach anyone about survival, or the rages of war? they'd be better off just tearing the roof off the barracks and leaving it at that, honestly. at least jean would be in better company.
he doesn't know anyone around here. some of his friends were pulled off into tightly-knit (and largely unnecessary, in jean's eyes) patrols hours ago, or dragged to stand watch while the rest of the group settled down for the evening. it'd be nice if jean had been hand-picked for any of those, but of course, he's left both overlooked and to his own devices. is he not good enough, try as he might? he may be no ackerman—beautiful, beautiful ackerman—but that shouldn't mean he'll never get his own chance to shine. ]
To hell with this— [ jean's up in a flourish, much to the complaint of everyone else still struggling to get warm, far from the fires that dot along the outpost. if he can't silently sulk down the long, long road to slumber, then he may as well be up and at it, roaming the campsite like he would be if he were on more familiar ground, with familiar faces at his side to play hooky with him rather than be driven insane by a cacophony of snores in the dark. the girls' dorm doesn't have it that bad, do they?
there are others like him who think they have better things to do in their downtime than catch forty winks. many can be found merely talking amongst themselves, while others nervously peer at their surroundings, not wholly convinced they're going to be safe from an eoten attack. jean isn't, either, but he has faith in the regulars who are keeping peace around here. as long as they and the patrollers are doing their duty, then there's little to fear. it's when daylight shines upon them that they should be at their most afraid, according to what their everyday lessons have taught them.
not in much of a mood to be simply chewing the fat, jean has a grander scheme in mind as he continues his walk. he's half-hoping he'll be able to catch the eye of someone he recognizes among the guard, maybe play a round of cards or two, steal a drink to warm his bones that no one will notice, not this late in the day. it'd be far more effective than the scrap that's supposed to pass for a cloak clinging to him, hand-me-downs from the cadets who survived before him, and before that. can't even afford to give their ready-to-die young soldiers equipment well and truly up to date, can they...? ]
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What should we do...? [ it's said in almost a whisper, breathless. his brain is turning rapidly for ideas, but his mind is more or less blank for the moment, knowing full well that it has to do with what had just transpired between him and jean. it's not a bad thing, per say, yet it's hindering him from coming up with a plan of action, lips turned downward as he tries to push it away for the time being.
if they make it out alive, they can have a nice chat at night about it. or no chatting at all. ah, the mere thought has his ears turning pink, almost tripping over a patch of uneven ground along the way. ]
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man, they've only been out here for a few hours, and jean would kill (again) for a warm place to put up his feet and forget about the world for a while.
but they don't have this luxury, probably won't even their operation as a whole is said and done. dumbassed eren, humanity's savior that he is, having to help steer them onto this wild goose chase for who-knows-what...
jean's anger is misguided. he doesn't really have problems with that guy, not anymore, not right now. it's his frustration at the timing of things, of the entire situation that's starting to get to him, and he's got to hold his tongue from misdirecting a small amount of that onto armin. no one's at fault here past that titantic bitch who blindsided them, and she'll get hers, one way or another. jean has a feeling, whoever she is.
in the meantime, they can't venture too much further into this cluster of the woods. it brings priority number two to the forefront, and they've got to ensure that they can both see and be seen.
here's as good of a place as any. ] We go up. What else?! [ jean's trying so hard not to snap at armin, and he winces upon the realization that he's not quite succeeding, voice quavering as he gets out the last of it. turning even more red, he hurries to put his 3DMG to use and save face by climbing into the treetops. ]
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You're going to leave me here? [ despite the tone, he's teasing, loosening his hold on jean to show that he means no harm. ] Give me a boost, I think we can go up together without any problems.
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his 3DMG... ]
...
[ he has no gear, jean, you idiot.
the mistake leaves him tongue-tied, though he's sufficiently stalled from following through with his ascent. it's just as well that he didn't fly off and leave armin high and dry—despite how things have proceeded, he's still not feeling too sure of himself, paranoid that one wrong move here is all it'll take to keep them from continuing...well, whatever it is that was happening there. if not an actual repeat performance, jean would at least like to talk it out and get them both on the same page. that's proper, right?
just as it's proper to help armin up into the trees. but is it really so low that they can simply lift each other manually from here? can armin do that? he looks so small... ]
Aah... [ speaking remains a chore for jean, adding to his embarrassment. it takes a couple of attempts to bumble through an actual complete sentence, brief though it is. ] Can we? [ together? the implications run away with his imagination for a split second, and jean has to forcibly clear his head, shaking it to and fro. that's why this was a bad time to let it all out in the open. he should have waited until they rejoined with the others, at the very least. ]
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[ while it's not impossible, even armin has doubts, gaze flitting briefly to the gear strapped around jean's middle. if the 3DMG can carry heavier people like reiner and other members of the squad, a handful of extra pounds on it wouldn't hurt. ]
Besides— [ he begins while stepping closer to the other, smiling at him encouragingly. ] You're the one who's a master at it. I trust you.
[ everyone, even eren, can't deny that jean was the best at maneuvering and understanding how to operate the 3DMG. he got top marks for it, after all. ]
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the more rigorous parts of his training would definitely have come in handy right around now. as jean's eyes skim up the trunk of the tree, bottom to top, he realizes it might not be as easy to endure as it sounds. sure, he's no weakling, not like...well, armin right next to him, but that doesn't mean he can swing his weight around as though it's nothing. he's built for speed, dammit, and that won't really come in handy here.
swallowing, he can't help but react to armin all up in his space again, even if the boy's just trying to be friendly. it keeps sinking in that now really, really wasn't a good time to act as openly as he did—now it's going to constantly be on jean's mind, when the focus should be shifting to trying to return to their party, to finish the expedition, to make it back behind the walls in one piece and hopefully not get too chewed out in the process.
oh, yeah. that last one's definitely going to happen at some point, and jean can't conceal his momentary grimace at the thought. c'est la vie.
but back to armin, who needs his help: ] So, like... [ here is where he starts gesturing vaguely, unsure of how exactly armin wanted this to go down. should he scoop him up and hope for the best, let armin just...climb atop him, or...
he's well aware of the molehill that's turning into a mountain here, but it's a little late to cool his heels when they've already gotten this far. ]
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not that armin is actively thinking about it right now. no, not at all.
besides, he's too busy trying to come up with a plan that would be beneficial to them both. if they really wanted to, they could try to have armin climb on him or jump into jean's arms or something. another idea was to get jean up to the lowest branch on the tree, potentially try to lower his gear down and have armin get himself up there. that could be really dangerous, though. either he'd completely miss catching the gear or jean would drop it from god knows how high up. then they'd be completely stranded, or at least he would be.
raking his fingers through his hair, armin exhales shakily. what's wrong with him? he's usually so good at dealing with things on a go, can always come up with something to drag him and his teammates away from being stuck against a wall.
was it because of what happened before with jean? is his brain so muddled that he can't properly think straight?
that's not good. maybe it really wasn't a good idea for them to stop and give in to whatever kind of emotions they were bottling up, let it loose some other time when they weren't on the field and on the run. but he can't deny that it helped him calm down at the time, finally releasing the pent-up feelings he had been harboring for so long. it also eased his worries in not knowing how jean felt, if the other young man could ever share the same sentiments with someone who's not as gorgeous and talented as mikasa or some of the other people they spent time with.
no. no, he shouldn't be thinking like that. he has his own talents and positive traits, doesn't he? that should count for something, and he needs to trust jean when he made his decision.
trust jean. armin glances at him sidelong, thinking. well, it's not like he didn't trust him to begin with, but there's a certain level of trust he holds for everyone. eren and mikasa will always be the ones he can count on the most, but it's about time that he tried to put his whole trust in someone else. would that be a burden, though...?
closing his eyes to rid himself of those concerns (they weren't important at this moment), he turns and opens his mouth to reply to jean with his tentative ideas but ends up being cut short when a voice shouts at them from the distance. ]
Huh? [ he turns to look in that direction, eyes widening at the sight of reiner coming towards them on horseback, along with another steed to accompany him. instantly he sighs in relief, a long, drawn-out sound. ] Oh, thank goodness...
[ as to not worry their teammate, armin raises his hand to wave to the other blond, signaling that they're fine and aware of his presence. ]
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he stops in mid-motion once he realizes what's happening. that broad shape over in the distance could only be reiner—it's too small otherwise to be another titan (probably)—and although it's relieving to have one objective eliminated, at the same time, it's a little flummoxing to not have toughed this one out on his own. or with armin, technically, but it'd still be due to their own devices.
that said, it's probably just as well. they're rookies, after all, having had yet to adapt to what life in the survey corps will really be like from now on. jean isn't so much having second thoughts as he is wondering if he's bitten off more than he can chew. if it's already this bad, what standards would the police have held him to, at the lowest of their ranks? he finds he doesn't want to know that answer, preferring to test his luck toe to toe with a titan.
which he just did. it's taken its sweet time for that concept to also sink in, and his nerves are on fire anew when reiner comes into clearer view. at last they can get out of here, move more quickly out of danger, far away from here. that too is both a relief and disappointment, as the mildly morbid thought crosses jean's mind for a moment that he wouldn't necessarily mind seeing how many more of them he can take down before finally falling himself.
ah, but that's too selfish with armin in tow. keeping him out of harm's way has been priority number one for the entire time they've gotten separated. at least he's succeeded in that much (partially), another checklist item to cross off. ]
Huh, so much for that... [ on the upside, this also minimizes his time alone with armin, which gives jean even more of chance to clear his head. that's good. it's good; this way he'll be better able to determine exactly what should happen next as far as...well, everything is concerned. it's a lot to consider. ]
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or will it even happen? another thought passes armin's mind, one where he's contemplating if jean really meant what he did, or if he'll pretend it never happened and they'd go on like they didn't kiss more than once out in the field. somehow that sounds like the worst-case scenario armin can think of, though he really hopes that it won't come down to that.
you guys okay? it's reiner who snaps him out of the haze that started to settle over him, giving a firm nod to confirm. ] I think so... [ gives a look over to jean, wondering if that's the case.
their fellow comrade doesn't allow them to ruminate over it any longer, using a hand to guide the horse he brought for them towards jean, saying something about being the one to do the riding since they haven't figured out if armin has a concussion or not just yet.
y'wanna take him? there's a grin there and a twinkle in his eye when he speaks, and armin eyes him suspiciously. leave it to reiner to turn that statement into something not-so innocent. ]
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great. that's going to raise some suspicions from armin, if they weren't already.
it's what compels him to take charge, going off of the assumption that armin's in no fit shape to be directing a horse around. thinking of how they'd...otherwise be arranged just embarrasses jean further, and he's had enough of that in front of everyone for one day. better to play the hero once they rejoin the rest of the corps; maybe eren will even get off of his back once he sees how far he's stuck his neck out for his bosom buddy.
of course, it's not actually why jean's done it, but he thinks it'll sound like a convincing enough argument in front of the others to save face. reiner doesn't seem like someone who would run around babbling gossip willy-nilly, would he?
...would he? the guy's still looking fairly smug as he watches jean help armin up into the saddle, trying his utmost not to let his linger, wildly wonder what it may have been like if they'd had a few extra minutes to recover, if they'd had the luxury to sprawl out lazily amongst the treetops and keep an eye out for any activity below as they—
no, no. this is no time to have that on his mind. now jean's turning salty as he too mounts their new acquisition. it's not his horse, which adds to his slowly growing list of frustrations. where could the thing have run off to? is there any hope of recovery? he'd just started getting attached to the poor animal, too... ]
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not that armin would be any help, anyway. with his gear now gone and no way to actually fight back if need be, he'd be an extra burden on both jean and reiner if he tried to step in. being a strategist only helps so much if there's something to have a strategy for.
when they begin to make their way towards wherever reiner is leading them (he's speaking but armin doesn't think he needs to listen all that closely), the boy sighs out through his nose and leans backwards onto jean's front and closes his eyes for a minute. he smiles to himself at the firm, warm feeling on his back, the sensation of comfort and protection soothing away his worries of anything he had been dwelling on. even the thought of having a talk with jean later on about their... well, whatever happened back there, didn't phase or concern him in the least. if anything, it'll help them move forward and try to figure out what exactly they wanted to call it.
maybe jean will back out. maybe he'll try to joke and pretend it never happened. while armin can't say that he wouldn't be hurt, it was up to the other soldier to make his decision and act accordingly to how he really feels. nothing armin could say or do would change that fact, and thus it wasn't in his power to try and steer things in the direction he hopes it will take.
without realizing what he's doing, armin's head tips to the side a fraction and leans heavily on the crook of jean's neck, just resting it there. or maybe his subconscious just wants more contact while they have the chance, uncertain of what they'll be riding into. ]
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either way, it's an unexpected turn of events as they ride. this shouldn't really be anything new—over the weeks, they've certainly been much closer than this. so why is it affecting jean so? surely it doesn't have anything to do with what's happened to them before. one kiss (or was it several? he's already lost track of what they've done) shouldn't turn everything upside down, paint their world a different, richer color.
and yet here jean sits, eyes quickly averted—anywhere away from the top of armin's head, the tufts of hair sticking out from his bandages—all on the pretense of scanning their surroundings for any oncoming foes, or so he tells himself. even reiner ahead of them knows it's intended as a mere temporary relief, the only feasible way he can distance himself from armin for now. neither of them are really in a position to do otherwise, stuck on horseback as they are.
it's not that it's terrible, no, hardly. overwhelming might the better term, swept up in the relief that, yes, armin remains alive and whole. not to mention the implications which have bugged him for the last several minutes, indecent ways that they continue where they'd left off under the treetops. one kiss shouldn't be doing this, either, regardless of how young and virile he is, should it? it'd figure, if jean's the only one left in the former 104th who can get off from the mere thought of a set of soft lips.
whoa. this is absolutely a bad moment for that. not here, not now, when the ground is a little uneven and armin's backside is so close to— ]
...?! [ reiner must have gotten a good look at them. his bark of laughter is jean's saving grace from turning this into a more worse situation.
a deep breath has him back under control, and the grip on his reins tightens as they move ahead. for the time being, they've all got an objective to fulfill, and rejoining the other members of their corps remains a long ways away, if they can even manage to scramble to them. best to keep that in mind and little else.
the rest can wait until they're behind the walls again, and far be it from jean to presume exactly what's going to come next, if it's anything at all. ]